New Year's pondering

(this picture if of my beautiful daughter, Alyssa, now 15! Before she went to her first school dance with a boy named Ben)

At this time of year, I find that I tend to think more and more on things of the past. What things I've done, or have not done, and what things I wish I had done, and what things I wish I had not done. How those choices and decisions have affected me now, as well as my family. I recently asked my husband if he thinks of people from his past. He said he has, like old classmates. I recently went back on to Classmates.com, and in so doing, found myself attempting to find people I once knew, and some of them, admittedly, were guys I knew and cared about in some way.

I've also found myself thinking of my childhood, and things that happened that I wish had not, and again told my husband how I realize that these things will affect me, and therefore my family, in some way for the rest of my life! Sad, but true.

I know the good Lord has healed me in many ways from these terrible things, yet there are always lingering affects. I see more and more of them everyday! Yet, less than there were in years past.

I have a journal that I keep, just for writing about Christmasses. I have kept it since my husband purchased this wood journal for me 2 Christmasses ago. I have also written about New Year's passed. It is quite interesting to go back and to read them and to see where we have come from, as a family, and where we are going.

Two years ago, we were contemplating moving to North Carolina, as Bruce, my husband (of 14+ years) had an opportunity to start his own business there. The people who owned the company he was working for offered to help him out in this way. They helped him to get a service truck, to service heavy equipment, as well as to get the required licensure, etc. and offered to help him to get his business up and running out in NC.

I was excited because I've wanted to live there for many years! Yet it was not to be. There were too many things that made me leery about moving there, and I told him I did not feel comfortable moving our family across the country for something so unstable.

Since that time, he has come back, got a job with a company out of Vegas, that lasted less than a year, and then when he got laid off (they had laid off 500+ people within less than a year and he was one of the last ones) he got a call from a job recruiter about a job up here in Layton, UT. (we were in Cedar City, UT) Our landlord in Cedar City also had a house here in Layton that came available at the same time that our lease was up in Cedar (which was in May of '08, and Bruce got the job up here in March '08!)

So, we had a house ready and waiting for us! Plus, our landlord in Cedar wanted us in this house so badly, that he lowered the rent on this house by $300/month!! For the next 2 years! Contract signed, etc. I'm sure, with the economy the way it is now, he regrets that decision, but we would not have been able to afford the house otherwise!

A year ago, New Year's was spent in St George, UT taking our children, Aaron, then 17, and Alyssa, then 14, and Austin, then 4, not yet 5, there to the street event they had. The older ones, and their friends, ran off and played Guitar Hero, and Dance Dance Revolution, while Bruce and I took Austin to see the fire engines and to ride on the little train and play on the bouncers, etc. It was all fun, but it was cold!

The year before that, when Bruce was gone, the kids and I celebrated the New Year by playing some games, reading the Bible and then by setting some goals for the year. Aaron attained every one of his goals! (with the exception of one that changed, as the girl he was "seeing" no longer was in his life, and one of his goals was to meet her).

Alyssa attained all but one of her goals, which was to get back in to gymnastics, as she changed her mind about that one too, and rather got in to dance, and excelled at that.

Mine was to get enrolled in school. I did not that year. But, I am happy to announce that this year, in Sept., I enrolled in Hope International University - a Christian online college, where I am working toward a Bachelor's Degree in Human Development, with an emphasis in Counseling.

Funny, I've wanted to return to school for years, but always had some excuse. I'm too old to go back to school. Or my inferiorities and insecurities got in the way, as I thought I was not good enough of smart enough to go back to school.

I let these beliefs about myself, these "fears", stop me in my life from pursuing many things I wanted to do! Hence, some of the choices I've made And now some of the regrets I have. I wish I knew then what I know now, and thus would have pursued my dreams and goals, in spite of my fears, and maybe then I would have overcame them sooner.

But, alas, we all mature at different times, in different ways. I am excited to be doing it now, rather than not at all! And that is the conclusion that I continue to come to now about life: I cannot change the past, as much as I may wish I could! BUT, I can do what I can now to change the future! To make things better now! To do things differently now!

I've heard it said that the choices and decisions we make today will affect our lives 5 years from now. That got me to thinking more about the choices and decisions I make now, and to make mroe certain that they are good ones, so that in 5 years, I will not be living in more regret, but rather will be pleased with where I am in life, and with where I am headed! Hence, the decision to finally take the next step of faith in my life and enroll in school!

I am so glad I did! and I like the feeling so much of accomplishing goals, that I want to experience more of those feelings! Therefore, the next goal that I am setting out to accomplish, one that I have had since I was in High School, is to be in a band!

I have been afraid to pursue this one as well, again because of my own insecurities and inferiorities, perhaps that live more in my own mind, as opposed to in the minds of others, and may not even have any place in reality. That of not being good enough. UGH! How this belief has plagued me for so many years! How I wish to overcome it!

But, even to have it no longer stop me, even if I never stop thinking it, is indeed a huge accomplishment in and of itself!

My desire, my hopes, in sharing these intimate details of my self, and of my mind functioning, is not to receive more criticism, or even "advice" but merely to be able to perhaps help someone else who may be struggling with the desire to step out and obtain their dreams and goals. If my writings have helped even one other individual be able to have the courage and faith to do that, well that is a fine accomplishment indeed.